Hilarious in Translation

The classes I work in are supposed to be bilingual. Usually, it’s English phrases and lots of Spanish, but the kids still learn I guess. Every teacher has a different style of English, but they are all very, very capable. For example, one teacher and I speak very well because he learned English in Chicago during university, his accent is like ours and he uses the North American words. On the other hand, another teacher who learned English in England has a lot of difficulty with my accent. Either way, we all communicate.

An excruciatingly difficult part of languages is idioms, which are expressions unique to a particular language. An idiom in English would be “I’ve had it up to here” to express frustration. So, many of the teachers I work with translate Spanish idioms directly to English. They are understandable, but not common. An example, when you call someone by name in Spanish, they say “tell me” (in Spanish). In English it’s understandable but not super common. Also, instead of responding to “how are you” with “I’m ok”, some people will say “I’m more or less”, which is a Spanish response. Or, when a little troll is being rude, I’ve heard “hey you, that is bad education!”

One “maestro” in particular is good with English, and his name is Jose Luis. In class on Tuesday with Jose Luis, I was busting a gut while the students were busting out confused expressions. When Jose Luis addresses his students in English, he raises his voice so everyone can hear. Every bilingual class starts with “I DO NOT SPEAK SPANISH ON [insert day of week here]!” When a student goes “teacher, teacher”, he responds “TELL ME!” And when it’s time for me to read/talk, he commands the little monsters to “SPREAD YOUR EARS”.

My all time favourite, is his translation for the verb “to be quiet.” When the gremlins are chatting amongst themselves during a lesson, he’ll pick out one of them and say, “WHY DON’T YOU SHUT UP?” or “HEY SHUT UP PLEASE!” In Spanish, it’s not a BFD for a teach to say shut up to a student. I suppose in most other cases it’s no biggie either, it just depends on tone.

For me, a great moment happened this same Tuesday. Going back to idioms, the kids don’t understand the phrase “make babies,” and we were discussing 3^rd world population. Jose Luis asked “WHY DOES DEVELOPING WORLD POPULATION INCREASE SO RAPIDLY?”

“[Insert blank faces here],” responded the trolls.

“WELL, IT IS BECAUSE THEY DO NOT HAVE PLAYSTATION 3 OR TELEVISION, ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS TO MAKE BABIES. AFTER A LONG DAY IN THE FIELDS, THE MAN COMES HOME TO NO PLAYSTATION 3 AND NO TV AND SAYS ‘HONEY I’M BORED, LETS MAKE A BABY.’ THE WIFE WHO IS ALSO BORED SAYS ‘YES, WE HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO’. THEY DO THIS EVERYDAY. SOON, THERE IS A HIGH POPULATION BECAUSE THERE IS NO TV OR PLAYSTATION 3.”

At this point I was dying in front of the whole class because his half-yelling and tone were too funny, not to mention the material. The students had no idea what he was saying except for “TV” and “PLAYSTATION”. And he continued.

“WHEN I COME HOME I HAVE TV AND PLAYSTATION 3. I DON’T HAVE TO MAKE BABIES ALL THE TIME, I CAN ENTERTAIN MYSELF. PEOPLE IN DEVELOPED COUNTRIES HAVE MORE THINGS TO DO EVERYDAY THAN JUST MAKE BABIES. THAT IS WHY THE POPULATION IS SO HIGH IN DEVELOPING COUNTRIES. THE ONLY ACTIVITY IS TO MAKE BABIES.”

Absolutely. Hysterical (at least for me).

This was followed by him and me laughing and the 13 year old kids curiously watching the situation. The lesson continued and when we needed to spark up the energy a little bit and have the kids be a little more active he proclaimed “I AM BORED OF SPEAKING, BUT I CAN’T MAKE BABIES HERE. SOMEONE VOLUNTEER TO WRITE THEIR ANSWER ON THE BOARD.”

Maybe you didn’t find this funny, or maybe you had to be there, but his voice, the blank expressions and the explanation for population explosion was absolutely priceless.

For you Lord Tweedsmuir people reading Josh Friend’s blog, he is a Mr Nebor or Mr Gemmell type figure within the school. Whether he’s annoying the shit outta them (Gemmell) or being Mr Popular (Nebor), kids are big fans. So many of my bilingual classes are so blah because the kids are a bit afraid to speak out loud, or material is a little bit difficult. I look forward to the unorthodox classes with Jose Luis because the kids relax more and you can actually get to know them, and he teaches well.

On a completely different note, my class of 12 year olds all call me “Josh Friend!”

Everyday it’s “Hola Josh Friend!”, or “Help me Josh Friend!”

PS – Unlike us, the kids call their teachers “Maestro” which means teacher, and nothing else. No name or last name. It’s like heaven for the guy from Seinfeld.